Come to do good, stay to do well.

Democrats are, it's not particularly a secret, the infinitely more Christian (as far as being Christ-like, or "like what Christ would have wanted") of the parties. The principles espoused by the figure of JC, the son, the meek, the ultimate chariteer, aren't particularly embraced by those grand old riders of the fat red elephant. The liberal system of ethics is ultimately predicated on the concept of having respect -- sometimes too much respect -- for other people. That's why they're perennially considered to be the "weak" party, and why they're so easily swindled by welfare moms and, you know, needle-exchange programs. They help con-men con them.

Jesus's philosophy, if you stand back and look at it as from a mountaintop, starts to look a lot like good old-fashioned communism. There are two reasons Jesus will never be a plausible compass by which to navigate the public sphere and polity. One is the con-men. Two is republicans.

Republicans, they don't give a fuck, in much the same way rappers don't give a fuck. Cam'ron put it, "If you can't get paid on an earth this big, you're worthless, kid, Cam don't deserve to live." If they don't like what you do, they'll do their damndest to get you to quit it. If they want something, they take it. If they want to keep something, they don't give it away. If they want to channel money to their buddies, they will. If they feel even the slightest urge to hate you, they don't do what adults do -- live with it, get around it, try to move past it, try to swallow it, try to be a man about it, much less a Christian -- they go ahead and hate you, and then tell you why it's ok to hate you. Usually, this has to do with just defining you. Just say any adjective with a sneer. Liberal. Soft. Soft on crime. Soft on immigration. We need to be harder. We need to fuck these people over. They're trying to get us, we need to get them. Baby-killers.

Republican criticism of democrats is predicated on name-calling and general cudgeling. That's why democratic criticism of republicans has so much trouble escaping the Jon Stewart mode, no matter how brilliant it gets. It's really hard to come up with a response to these people that doesn't hinge on the fact that what they say is fucking baffling. (Which is why Colbert, in his way, is equally brilliant. He's baffling baffling. (Worst Pun Ever.))

The bafflement, though, is why Republicans get to use the adjectives they're not supposed to get to use. Intellectual, as a criticism. But more importantly, Elitist. Snob. The very things they are, snobs and elitists -- with their tax-cuts to the rich... to stimulate the economy. Somebody look at Anne Coulter and tell me this woman isn't firmly in the upper echelon of snobs in the world. Tell me she doesn't perceive herself as being elite. You know what the definition of elitist is? "Someone who believes in rule by an elite group." Cheney. Rumsfeld. Rove. No congress. No checks. No balances. Oligarchy. Not meritocracy. It's like the Greek Council in Revenge of the Nerds.

They don't like homosexuals either, which is weird, because it seems like lately, more and more of them are turning out to be homosexual, what with the congressional pages and the waving your hand under the door of an airport bathroom stall and, my favorite, Republican Bob Allen, who asked an undercover police officer if he (Allen) could pay him (the cop) to give him (the cop) a blowjob. He was arrested, and later pleaded that, in fact, he was not gay. He was intimidated into offering to give another man twenty dollars and a blowjob because the other man was big and black. (Read that article. It's worth your time.)

Remember that scene in Arrested Development, where David Cross is talking about Ice the Bounty Hunter, and how he's surprised his wife would go for someone "so close to my own type, but I suppose we all expose our secret desires." And Alia Shawkat says "I think you just did." And Cross says "No I didn't," and walks away?

Yeah. There's only one possible response to this kind of thing.

I'm fucking baffled.

I struggle with how anybody could actually believe there is a scriptural basis for homophobia that's, you know, actually based on scripture. There's exactly one mention of homosexuality in the New Testament in James, and it doesn't really make any sense, like, at all. It also leads directly up to that part, you know, it's kind of famous, where where St. Paul writes, "judge not lest ye be judged." But whatever.

Then, there's a death sentence in Leviticus if a man lies with another man.

There are also death sentences in Leviticus for people who have circular haircuts or wear two kinds of fabric at once. In other words, you're just as worthy of being stoned to death for being gay as for wearing a poly-cotton blend -- finally, something we can all agree on. Wouldn't it be awesome if, instead of gay marriage, a sweeping movement against circular haircuts, or eating meat with blood in it (also forbidden, rare meat pork barrel 'servatives) was the main talking point for the future of the party?

"God hates circular haircuts!"

That's the ultimate double-bind of republican homophobia. They don't want their kids to be gay, so they say it's a choice. But if it's a choice, you can catch it from gay people. So being gay is like an STD. And all you have to do is, apparently, give into the temptation. Apparently, anybody could be gay.

Does anybody really believe this? I mean, if I thought I could be gay, or like, half-gay, I would give it some serious thought. It's basic baseball logic. Switch hitters can pull against righties and lefties.

It's not like republican sex isn't a sin.

And even if God did, in the realm of pure speculation, dislike gayness? God also hates thievery, and he's the one who said, if somebody takes your cloak, don't get mad. Give him your coat, too.

So if you don't like gay people, and they take it from you... well... I guess that means God wants you to take it from them, too. Or at least, in the immortal words of R. Lee Emory, give them "the common courtesy of a reach-around."

God said, "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city." Ironically, taking a city is, more or less, exactly what the Republicans are always already trying to do.

Let's get those sinners! Let's build a castle! We've got everlasting salvation coming our way, and that means we're right! Right? Hard right.

This appeal to God is strange, don't you think, considering the hard right party line essentially amounts to, "What you do bothers me, and you're a pussy, so I'm going to fucking beat your ass until you stop. Oh, yeah, because it bothers God. I seen him!"

Republicans, on the one hand, are the ones who say, "Don't tax my income." They also say, on the other, "Follow the king." And this is an odd thing. They stress non-interference by the government, but they also stress loyalty to the government. They don't listen to God, but insist he's on their side. It's a very smart system, for the people at the top. Because they don't give a fuck about the people at the bottom, while simultaneously pretending to be about "the everyman," and the people at the bottom have no recourse since they are, by and large, so beat down that they don't give a fuck about what goes on at the top so long as they get there some day.

I read once that, in general, republican men are better in bed than liberal men, and the justification boiled down to the fact that republican men don't have consciences. Peck at that however you like.

And look, all this pisses me off. I firmly believe republicanism and its party lines to be reprehensible and reactionary and I call bullshit. But, as I get older, I get more nihilist. I stop giving a fuck. I stop caring about the leftist ethical rubric that is predicated on the fact that everybody deserves a fair shake. I'm not sure if I care about suffering right now. All I want to do is do well.

That's what they say happens, right? "Come to do good, stay to do well."

I've got everything I want, but I want more. And right now the thing that scares me more than anything else is somebody taking something away from me.

And I have a feeling, when somebody does take something away -- and somebody will, it's just a fact of time and entropy and inevitability-- it will be God.

I can see why republicans hate that guy.

But if I'm nice to him, maybe he can help me get some more stuff.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

did you know that the majority of male prostitution stuff is that thing where the client type wants to give the prostitute type a bj? i read it in a dan savage column which means its like a statistic or something. isnt that awesome?