Dios mio, this kid's fun to hit!

I really enjoy doing myspace surveys. They're good prompts. But myspace always deletes them after a few days, and it's not that I miss them, precisely. It's just that, blogging has made me kind of obsessed with having an ironclad record of every word I've thrown into the echo-chamber of the internet for the last few years, so I find it somehow distressing to lose some. So, in that spirit of pack-rattery, I'm going to save this myspace survey here.

1. When you want to have "you" time, what do you do?
I don't really know. But I have a lot of it, and it goes by very quickly.

2. Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?
Yeah. Go ahead, try me.

3. Have you ever cried and didn't know why?
No. I always know exactly why I'm crying.

4. When is the last time you were truly happy with your life?
Uhm... I've only ever felt truly happy with my life in retrospect. So, I mean, right now I feel like I was truly happy with my life last year. But last year, not so much.

5. Have you ever found someone of your same sex sexy?
I have kind of a thing for Ze Frank. And Matthew Fox, from Lost. There are a lot of hot, hot men in the world, and I've rocked them all. Well, I mean, not really. I love hot guys, though. I mean, not in a.... gay way or anything. I mean... I just think they're neat?

6. Do you think long distance relationships are ever really worth it?
Yeah, why not? The worst that can happen is a long-distance breakup, a bunch of boozing, and an eventual righting of the course.

7. What did you do at your lowest point in life?
I went to school every day and didn't learn anything. I went home every night and smoked cigarettes. I watched hundreds of hours of ESPN without processing a single thing I saw. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I was numb. But the bad kind of numb.

8. What brought you back from that?
I just forgot what the point of it was.

9. Have you ever envisioned your own wedding?
I dunno, it's nice to be the center of attention. And it's nice when people cry because they're so happy for you. I like the idea of that.

10. When is the last time you personally made someone else cry?
I don't know. People are weird. A lot of them cry a lot more than I thought.

11. The last time you were kissed, where were you?
On a couch.

12. Do you eat a healthy diet?
It's getting pretty good, yeah.

13. What part of your looks are you the most complimented on?
Resemblance to a porcelain doll, which isn't exactly a compliment, but I'll take it. Porcelain dolls are hot.

14. Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends?"
Not exactly. They can never JUST be friends. They can be friends, sure, but they will always also be a lot of other things.

15. Would you attend each of your ex's funerals?
Yes. I've thought, sometimes, about how fucked up it would be if one of my exes died suddenly, when I was feeling the most anger towards them for the most insignificant reasons. It has a weird calming effect, where I just start wanting them to do well for themselves, and hoping they don't die.

16. In fact, how many exes do you have?
Uhm, depends on how you count. Three, or four. I would say three. She would say four. Errrr...

17. Would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else?
Yeah. I like kids, man. Actually, that might be cool, because me having kids would be weird, because I think about my relationship with my father, and everybody else's relationship with everybody else's fathers, and I start to think about, like, how maybe I'd be a better father FIGURE than an actual FATHER, you know? Of course, mostly that's just me being terrified of how weirdly, singularly happy having my own kid would probably make me.

18. When is the last time you were on a vacation?
I went to Chicago for my birthday and the Pitchfork Music Festival.

19. Do you make your bed every day?
No. I boo this question.

20. Are you too shy to tell people when you're developing feelings for them?
Oh, that's a rocky road. That's the whole question, right? Where you don't ever know if you're being too shy or too forward. You can just get it the fuck over with and make a strong move (for lack of a better term) and just see what happens. Or you can ride the pine and just hope to worm your way into her heart after an endless amount of lallygagging and pussyfooting. Neither one is great -- because you always have to carry around the knowledge that like 2% of relationships ultimately work out in any meaningful way -- but they're both usually better than what ENDS UP happening, which is sort of a combination of the two. You've both got an unspoken understanding that there are some feelings there, and they're pretty much one-sided feelings, and if we can just ignore it, we can get along just fine. But eventually, and this inevitably happens right when you get past the point where you've both started to take it for granted that you're just friends, to her relief and your dismay, what happens is, by a combination of accident and sheer willpower that completely ignores your common sense screaming at you to stop, you just kind of do something so outlandishly brash, you say something so over-the-top forward, that it wouldn't work even in the most optimal circumstances. So basically, by trying to be really safe, you shoot yourself in the foot six different times, and by that point, your gun is empty. People are stupid, man. We are stupid, stupid people.

21. Do you use the Internet or television more?
Internet. But I use the TV a lot, too!

22. Have you ever worn black nail polish?
Yes, actually.

23. How much older than you is the oldest person you've kissed?
Uhmmmmmm... a couple years?

24. How much younger is the youngest?
Three years?

25. Which celebrity have you been compared to most?
He's not a celebrity, really, but Andy Partridge. He's a celebrity to me.

26. Do you have romantic feelings for anyone, and if so, do they know?
No. Done, and done.

27. What are your plans for your future?
Uhm, I start school in a little less than a month. Then, I'm going to be reading all day every day for five years. Then, I'm going to look up and be like, "What happened to my twenties? God damn it, I didn't even learn anything." Then, I'll probably try to write a novel whilst loaded on gin, which will stretch out to seven, twelve years. Then, I'll be one of those wizened old men who seem to know some secret about life, but only because they've practiced for so many years trying to appear to know some secret about life. It's going to be Toad's Wild Ride.

28. Do you want to be in a relationship right now?
Yeah, I guess. But, you know, I'm feeling pretty good.

29. If you could to pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you?
I, uhm, just kind of did.

30. Have you ever done any acting on stage?
I was in a high school play. Had an important part and everything. It was really fun.

31. Do you like being in pictures?
I would love to be in The Pictures.

33. Have you ever been more attracted to a significant other's sibling than them?
No. What a funny problem, though.

34. What is the last fun, free activity you did?
Art museum!

35. Do you enjoy romance?
The only problem I have with romance is, it's the drug people use to relieve themselves of the fact that they deserve better things. I love romance when it's directly related to my own life. I don't like it when it's purely fantasy, the kind of thing people just use to stay sane in a situation they hate. But that's just because I hate it when people are stuck in situations they hate.

36. Do you tend to fall for people easily?
Yeah. But only, like, interesting people.

37. Have you spent more time in your life single, or in a relationship?
This question is geared for the middle-aged myspacers who have been married for twenty years, I take it.

38. What person in your family are you the most like?
Oh, probably my mom. But I'm a lot like my dad.

39. Are you quick to start a fight?
Depends on what you mean by fight.

40. Have you ever put anything other than cheese in your grilled cheese?
Butter is kind of essential. But I guess that's ON. I dunno, ham, I think, but I never really liked that.

41. What are you studying in school?
English literature.

42. Do your parents really know YOU?
Uhm... they have caught glimpses.

43. Have you ever felt invincible?

44. How many cars have you owned?
Three. I wasn't responsible for the losings of either of the first two.

45. Do you get along well with your siblings?
Yes, and no.

46. Would you rather be cheated on with someone who your ex had broken up with already or with a stranger?
Holy cow, that's a pretty good question. I wouldn't deal especially well with either one. But, I think I'd prefer it was a stranger. Because there's a better chance a stranger will stay a stranger, than an ex will become a stranger all over again. Cheating, man. It's the great American past-time. Kudos to us for knowing what we want and sticking with it. Predictable unpredictability.

47. Do you feel like you've got some growing up to do?
I hope so. I hope I'm not as mature as I'm going to get, that's for fucking sure.

48. Do you like to dress up?

49. Have you ever loved someone so much that you lost who you were because of it?
Who the fuck am I? Depends on what your definition of "is" is. Or, in this case, "were" is.

50. Do you own a little black dress?
I bought a little black dress for Dina on ebay, and she never paid me back for it. So if you want to get technical about it, I DO own a little black dress, but it's kind of on permanent loan somewhere on the campus of Stanford University. She better be wearing that fucker, too.

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