Ever since I can remember, I’ve disliked Andy Rooney. Y'know, the guy who’s apparently paid enough dues to get the last 5 minutes of 60 Minutes to talk about whatever he wants. We all know that people start to get insufferably inflexible when they hit the 300 year mark, but the dude just went on a rant about how George Bush mispronounces “Nuclear” (punchline: “You’d think the first lady, or maybe a doorman at the White House, would tell him how it’s pronounced. It makes you wonder how he graduated Yale”). Now, I’m never against a cheap shot at the president, but people have been making fun of him for this for years. It's about as fresh and topical as pointing out that Nixon was, in fact, a crook. He, the president, has made fun of himself for it on at least two occasions that I can remember, and I hate nothing more than people who rip into other people for their publically admitted flaws. That's why you're not allowed to call me ugly, bitch. It's just all kinds of lame. I'm not against lame in and of itself, but when the point is wit and the result is lame and you're not even self-effacing about it, you're officially on my shitlist. If you can't get it up, don't go on national television and try to jerk off.
Not to mention, if Bush actually did start pronouncing the word right, every single comedian and smartass, myself and Andy Rooney included, would jump down his throat or up his ass or both for being inauthentic and pretentious and we’d all gloat that he finally “learned his lesson,” which is why people hate to admit they've learned lessons, even when they have: because when they do, jerkoffs gloat about it. There’s nothing worse than people acting high and mighty when all they’re reflecting is conventional wisdom. "Oh, yeah, Bush is finally pronouncing 'nuclear' right. God, what an idiot! It only took him seven years as President of the United States!" You would keep pronouncing that shit wrong too. When our junior high class took a trip to D.C. and I saw the Magna Carta in the glass case, the Ye Olde Cursive "C" looked like a "G" to me. So, on the bus, when I mentioned to my friend the Magna Garta, and he told me that's not what it was at all, I was like, "Dude, I have a cold. Of course I know it's actually the 'Magna Carta! But, you see, I'm ill, and so I pronounce 'C's as 'G's." And I stood by that shit until, like, right now.
And strike 3 against Rooney: we all know how easy it is to slide through college with Cs. It’s not like Yale is some kind of superman academy. Just because the children of the rich and powerful get in, doesn’t mean they’re run through some kind of academic gauntlet to test their mettle. It’s college, for chrissakes. The halls of higher learning are populated by 72% statistically retarded people, just like every other kind of halls. I’m just saying, it’s amazing to me that this man makes probably high-6/low-7 figures to make the jokes that high school sophomores were making 6 years ago when Bush got his sorry self elected. Impeach Bush and Andy Rooney. Or, better yet, just force them to switch jobs. I would love to see Andy Rooney try to do something that I care about at all, and I would love to hear 5 minutes of Bush’s thoughts on partially hydrogenated soybean oil in foodstuffs and the sexual dalliances of the jetset. Why not?Actually, you know what? Here's to Andy Rooney, the world's premier video blogger! Go Andy, go Andy, go!