Cer-Vix-a-Lot and DJ Strabismus

Act 1

Why did those ridiculous Roman bastards run out of words right when the got to the part of medical lexography where they had to name your neck and your bajingo? They were like, “Well, we’ll call this a cervix. And this… well… let’s just call it… a cervix.” The upshot: it makes it almost as hard to stifle laughter when you hear that there are vibrators made for “cervical massage” as it is the first time you learn there’s a cubist sculptor named Lipchitz. Who doesn’t love to ponder cubist sculptures of Lipchitz?
(“That’s me!”)

And as if that wasn't bad enough, he cast his sculptures out of bronze in the 40s and 50s, so now they look like this.
This is why they tell you you're supposed to be mature in school. Because as your education continues, you start to realize that the world is a little bit retarded, emotionally and socially and especially etymologically, and it's not cool to laugh at... that sort of thing... no matter how amusing it may be.

Act 2

I have a problem with my face. My eyes don’t want to work together anymore, so I can’t read for longer than ten minutes or so without getting a pretty bad headache (it’s actually more like an eye-ache) that takes three or four hours to go away. What this means as I gear up to move a bajillion miles away to attend a graduate school in English most regularly described as “intense,” I don’t know. I'm suppopsed to start vision therapy soon, which sounds like an absolute blast. (My friend Steve said it best when he said, "You have to train your eyes for his magic glasses?") The medical condition, I gather, is called Strabismus, who I swear to god is a terrible, long-forgotten composer of the Romantic period of classical music. And now, pray tune thine ears for the joyful noise of Strabismus's second symphony. Holla!

My dad wanted to help. So what he did was, he threw gobs of money at a (possible) peripheral cause of my vision deficiency, and he bought me a 22-inch widescreen flat-panel Samsung LCD computer monitor.

Of course - I mean, I'm human - the first thing I did when I got it home was watch porn on it. And porn looks pretty amazing on a 22-inch widescreen flat-panel Samsung LCD computer monitor. And then I thought, "Why is your neck and your bajingo named the same thing?" God only knows why I said "your bajingo," because I was alone at the time. But that’s not really the point.

*note: I've always thought "(lol)" looked like the Bat Signal.*

The point is - well, one of the points is that, on a 22-inch monitor, extreme close-ups in porn are almost life-sized, but not quite, unless the actors are actually a good deal smaller than you'd expect, but still more or less proportionate (plus or minus some silicates). And that is weird. Another point is that, I also tested the monitor by watching a chunk of It's A Wonderful Life, and that is also weird.

Still another point is that, a clear contender for my favorite song of all time is “21st Century Digital Boy” by Bad Religion. And I always bristle when people say they’re pretty sure a song is about them. But I’m pretty sure this song is about me. Not in a good way, though.

I’m a 21st Century Digital Boy
I don’t know how to read, but I’ve got a lot of toys.
(Everything I want, I really need.)

1 comment:

SenorStephenUrkelDaedalus said...

I admire this post the most for its use of both"bajingo" and "bajillion."

Also, it reminded me how funny etymology can be.

Gadsprecious, Gadswookers, Gadswoons, Gadzookers, Gadzooks, for the explanation of which see the corresponding forms under GOD 14.

1695 CONGREVE Love for L. IV. vi, *Gads bobs, does he not know me? 1676 WYCHERLEY Pl. Dealer III. i, *Gads~bodikins, you puny upstart in the law, to use me so! 1696 SOUTHERNE Oroonoko I. ii, If my husband were alive, Gads~bodykins, you wou'd not use me so. 1694 CONGREVE Double Dealer I. iii, *Gadsbud, much better as it is. 1792 WOLCOTT (P. Pindar) To a Fly Wks. 1812 III. 167 Gadsbud..thou are not dead. 1698 VANBRUGH Æsop II. Wks. (Rtldg.) 374/2 Your friend was a witty person, *gadsbudlikins! 1598 B. JONSON Ev. Man in Hum. I. i, And by *gads-lid I scorn it. 1657 Lust's Domin. IV. v. in Hazl. Dodsley XIV. 164 By Gad's-lid, if I run not After them like a tiger, hough me. 1715 tr. C'tess D'Aunoy's Wks. 438 By *Gads-niggers I will have this Pasty. 1651 RANDOLPH, etc. Hey for Honesty III. i, Her will tug out her sword, and, *gads nigs! let her take very many heed, her will carbonado very much legs and arms. 1676 WYCHERLEY Pl. Dealer III. i, *Gads~nouns! I love thee more and more. 1687 MONTAGUE & PRIOR Hind & P. Transv. 6 *Gadsokers! Mr. Johnson, does your Friend think I mean nothing but a Mouse, by all this? 1672 VILLIERS (Dk. Buckhm.) Rehearsal II. v. (Arb.) 65 Ah, gadsookers, I have broke my Nose. 1708 Trip to Dunkirk in Harl. Misc. I. 210 The French, as they say..Are coming, gadsookers! to pay us a visit. 1676 WYCHERLEY Pl. Dealer III. i, *Gads-precious! you hectoring person, you, are you wild? 1698 VANBRUGH Æsop II. Wks. (Rtldg.) 373/2 *Gadswookers! do people use to ask for folks when they have nothing to say to 'em? 1826 SCOTT Woodst. x, *Gadswoons, I would have a peep. 1694 ECHARD Plautus 197 Tra. You Dog, there's no such Fish. Gripus. *Gad~zooks, but there is tho'. 1751 SMOLLETT Per. Pic. (1779) II. xxxvii. 25 ‘Gadszooks!’ said he, ‘what business had you with that?’ 1838 DICKENS Nich. Nick. xxiv, Gadzooks, who can help seeing the way to do it?