How does it feel to roam this land like Harte and Twain did?

In other news, my dad, hot on the trail of his delinquent son's taste in satire, forwarded a Dave Barry column about poetry contests from 1994, in the hopes that I, quote, "might get a charge out of" it.

For a bitter, angry, pointless rant, scroll down. I advise you not to scroll down.

Hey, Seal, how's it going?

Oh, hey! Seal! It's been ages! We should catch up. Maybe have a drink, some fish and chips.

Then maybe we could go............... clubbing?



It's not too late, child. Turn back!

The internet is a wonderland. The best thing about it is what I call the "Youtube Comments Effect," or "The Asshole-Engendering Shield of Anonymity." It must have been a good day the first time a troll realized, "Hey, I don't have to check myself at all... and that doesn't just mean I don't have to edit for style!"

It's in this spirit that people to post to your blog, incognito, comments like, " you signed a lease on a one-bedroom for $1100/month? you poor thing. WHAT were you thinking?!" INTERROBANG, BITCH! BANG ?! ?! ?! ?! ?! ?! ?! ?! Just, you know, in case the WHAT didn't get the gravity across.

Gee whiz, it's actually kind of funny. You know what I was thinking? It wasn't, say, "I would like to live in a commercially owned building, but I've read that The Marylander and Saint Paul Court are shitholes from the routinely terrible reviews on internet sites. They also charge around $150-200 dollars per month less than the Highfield House, plus utilities (which apparently often run into the $200 range in the winter), whereas my apartment includes utilities, and charges half what The Marylander does for a spot in the parking garage."

It wasn't, "I really like the apartment. It seems like a solid place to live, to make a home, somewhere I can be comfortable, somewhere I won't hate, plus it was named Baltimore's Best Cool Old Building."

It wasn't, "It couldn't hurt to live somewhere nice since I'll be acclimating, for the first time, to living in a city after not having a neighbor within a quarter mile for over two years."

It wasn't even, "I have no idea what I'm doing. I hope something sticks."

No, not at all. In fact, I got lucky, because I was thinking something very specific when I signed a lease for a one bedroom for $1,100 a month. I was thinking, "I know it's a long shot, but I really, really, really hope that this decision gets mocked by some city-dweller in the tough-love 'you certainly don't know about life as well as I do, Sonny Jim!' style."

I thought, "I can't wait to be condescended to with a shoulder-punching bit of Big-Brothers/Big-Sisters after-the-fact wisdom. The kind that says, 'Oh my goodness, if only I'd been there to see you make this folly, I could have saved you from yourself, but it's for the best that I didn't, because watching you flail is so amusing!'"

I was thinking, "Life is too easy. I hope I get second-guessed by somebody whose opinion I couldn't give any less of a shit about (in any constructive way), who can then feel like they've done a good deed by expressing a vague kind of discomforting rather than reassuring sympathy!"

I was thinking, "I hope someday I go blind, and I walk into a light pole, so everybody around me can laugh." Thanks, Anonymous. I thought that ambition was going to be left in the cold, but you really came through for me!

Was it a mistake? I don't know yet. All I know is, I'm glad you took the time to leave that thoughtful, helpful, practically indispensable comment for me. Maybe you can come by later and spit in my mouth. I like it.

*edit 1

Really, I'm just pissed that you would choose to leave a comment about this when nobody's bothered to mention HILARY CLINTON'S CAMEL TOE YET.

*edit 2

The half-hour-after reaction of conscience: "Way to throw a barrage of body blows at ghosts to cover up your already barely-concealed insecurity and crippling fear of the future, FB. How's that working out for you?"


Anonymous said...

If the internet's anonymous asshole effect condescends too much in caring about the state of your finances, you can surely take comfort in the cool, steely indifference of Hillary's camel toe.

Anonymous said...

OMG, Hillary Clinton's camel toe is photoshopped!!!1

D said...

I've never seen such a real camel toe. I've got the print of the picture.