Make sure the candy's in an original wrapper: Bill Gates & Lou Reed, unheralded genius-daemons of white rap

"Better check that sausage, before you stick it in the waffle"
~Lou Reed (see below)

It's a fucking miracle that Microsoft became a bajillion dollar corporation when they were shilling their swag with shit like this, before irony was actually a marketing tool.

Did people actually buy Dos 5.0 because a white scientist rapper who sort of pre-figures MC Paul Barman -- actually, he's sort of like a combination of the scientist and Vanilla Ice from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 (Vista, Vista Rap!) -- spits -- and I mean spits, because the man has a pronounced lisp -- "Suits any memory hogging beast because it frees 45 k of memory at least! And that's why everyone who's in knows, it's also the best Dos to run with Windows!"-- "And the colored girls sing, dos dos dos dos dos, dos dos dos, dos dos dos dos dos, dos dos dos." See what I did there? Bill Gates is the Lou Reed of operating systems, and, like Lou Reed, an unheralded godfather of white rap. To wit, his 1986 single, "The Original Wrapper." "I'll Be Your Mirror" it ain't.

What it is, though, is the best thing ever. Oh, yeah, he just rhymed "sanctimonious," "pugnacious," "lugubrious," and "fabulous." Because he's an idiot. I actually have a dream to do a note-by-note cover of this song, and then recreate the video shot for shot. And I'll do it, too, as soon as I have a willing baby, three assholes who can rollerskate, and a hat that's covered in glitter.

Also, The Most Transparent Writing In History Award for the year 2007 goes to Newsweek for the following sentence: "Today no other country on earth is arguably more dangerous than Pakistan." I'll keep that in mind until tomorrow, when the point is no longer impossible to argue.


Ryan Martin said...

Re: That MS upgrade video -

Even though I know what Dan Deacon sounds like, this video is closer to what I actually think of when his name is mentioned.

D said...

Lol. That's so true. And, to be honest, I wish he sounded just a tad more like this.