This Just In: Unlikely Bosom Buddies Shame Intellectuals, Crumble Academy

Best-selling Christian author Ray Comfort has proposed to do something incredible. Something that nobody has ever managed to do. Not Jesus, St. Francis, Ignatius, Aloysius – not Anselm, Abelard, Aquinas, Augustine – not Leibnitz, Hegel, Einstein, nor Berkeley.

He’s going to prove, without a Bible – without appealing to his faith – using only basic scientific principles – in terms of fact that everybody can understand – that God exists.

And he’s bringing along Kirk Cameron.

Kirk Fucking Cameron.

Yes. Kirk Cameron. Fucking Growing Pains Kirk Cameron. YES!

What venue have these Christian warriors, soldiers not of faith but of FACT, inescapable irreducible unstoppable HARD FUCKING FACT, chosen to convey this Christo-Ninjitsu deathblow to atheists and skeptics the world over?

Why, in a moderated debate. A debate with some of the most sharply-honed intellectual skeptics in the country. Two douchekits who started an internet trend called the Blasphemy Challenge. ‘The two creators of the movement encouraged all people to tape themselves with a short message that will “damn themselves to hell.” Participants must recite the line "I deny the Holy Spirit,” and then upload their video onto YouTube. Comfort and Cameron felt that these two would be some of the most difficult people to convince that God does indeed exist, so contacted them about having a discussion.’

Uh huh. So, if they’re able to best the professors behind the Blasphemy Challenge, a Masters Course at YouTube University, surely it will be carved with spears into the stone of human wisdom.

Says Comfort, absolutely making my unsaved feets quiver in their booties: ‘Most people equate atheism with intellectualism… but it's actually an intellectual embarrassment. I am amazed at how many people think that God's existence is a matter of faith. It's not, and I will prove it at the debate – once and for all. This is not a joke. I will present undeniable scientific proof that God exists.’

SO YOU DON’T EVEN NEED FAITH! Faith doesn’t even have anything to DO with Christianity! INCREDIBLE! AN INTELLECTUAL EMBARRASSMENT! I, for one, am certainly embarrassed. You know, embarrassment is defined as “the shame you feel when your inadequacy is made public.”

I guess you have to realize it, though.

But you know what? I’m actually pulling for this little twaddle-addled New Zealander. And I’m also pulling for his mustache. And I’m pulling for Kirk Cameron. Not exactly to win the debate, you understand, because the debate will have literally nothing to do with anything, ever. If people are going to be swayed by Kirk Cameron to become an evangelical Christian… well sheeit, atheists don't want them on their side anyway; no matter whose side these people are on, they’re going to do more harm than good.

Exhibit A: Growing Pains.

No, it’s not about the debate. I’m pulling for them, Ray and Kirk, Comfort and Cameron, to actually prove, empirically AND rationally, intelligibly AND sensibly, that there is a God, and to once and for all wipe doubt absolutely and finally off the face of the earth. Because, goddamnit, it would make the Iraq War worthwhile, you know? Finally, we'd have a reason to be there, other than the subsidized, campaign-funding oil companies, right? And it would give us a reason to dramatically lower taxes for the wealthy, such as sitcom stars and best-selling authors. And finally, FINALLY, we wouldn’t have to deal with the total affront to human decency inherent in being evolved from apes. Jesus Christ! What horsehockey! Us? Evolved from apes? But… but… but… all you have to do is look at Ray Comfort to know that’s not true!

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The best part, though, is this pricelessly pretentious quote from Cameron. “Evolution is unscientific. In reality, it is a blind faith that's preached with religious zeal as the gospel truth. I'm embarrassed to admit that I was once a naïve believer in the theory... Atheism has become very popular in universities – where it's taught that we evolved from animals and that there are no moral absolutes. So we shouldn't be surprised when there are school shootings.” For a minute, we'll totally dismiss the evolution debate to point out, I guess he didn't get the memo: Islamic bombers kill 202 in Indonesian Marriot. Because they believe in God. Didn't a million and a half people die in the Crusades? Fuck you, Kirk Cameron. Fuck you and your sophism right in your pretty pink pseudo-celebrity mouth. It's odd, how they keep talking about embarrassment like that.

Look. I like Christians. I hope there's a Heaven and I hope it rules there. I straight up love Jesus. Right? But if it means following the lead of these two, I guess I'm just gon' have to let my hubris get the best of me. I think Reverend Lovejoy said it best when he said, "I'll see you in hell. From heaven."

Source: The Christian Post